I really wish I could tell you

what was wrong with me. Let's start from the ground up. Three years ago, everything was fine, almost perfect. How in three years I've come to barely recognize myself, I have no idea. I've still got my boys at work and the clan but other than that I'm what I never wanted to be. In light of the hole left two years and some odd months ago, I've become addicted to working. I'm taking 15 or 16 credit hours a semester, a full school load but still I insist on working borderline 40 hours a week with a makeshift weekend on Monday and Tuesday. I love the feeling that I'm worth something to someone because I'm good at what I do. Probably since I lost that feeling with someone else, I try to find it though labor. The money has been great, I haven't had to worry about my accounts slipping in the past couple months but at what cost? I still get to see the guys occasionally, pretty much whenever I can but there comes times, inevitably, when they will want to spend time with their someone. Where does that leave me? Back at work? By myself? Walking the streets at all hours of the early morning trying to drown out my own thought with an iPod? For awhile it was running through it. With no goal in mind, maybe three times a day, just running. Sadly that was taken from me too. So it was back to work. One of the only places I feel part of something anymore. School is automated and monotonous, when I'm home I'm either sleeping or doing homework so where does that leave time for much else. I thought that hard work would give me an awesome sense of accomplishment and value but it seems like its leaving me more and more empty every day seeing what I used to have. Every time I think I might find something to replace that part of myself she walked away with, it dies in front of me. It moves away, it wasn't feeling it or it leaves me waiting, just blankly staring at the salad bar trying to convince myself to stay another couple minutes. Just another couple minutes.