Behold a Pale Horse

"Argue your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."

When I think back to everything that's happened to me in the past two years, I can't help but wonder if its all been worth it. I've made life long bonds with people I would have never suspected otherwise from, people that I cannot imagine my life without but at the same time, people who helped me through my darkest times seem to have faded into their own lives where our paths split. In twenty-four short months I've seen passions and loves rise and fall, interests spark and fade, friendships grow and dwindle and there just comes a point where one has to ask if its all right.

As much as I never thought I'd hear myself say it, the monotony and routine of high school has become something I came to miss. The days where you knew exactly what you were going to do for the next weeks on end and the biggest shock you could get was bombing a test or forgetting your homework and the biggest stress was speaking in front of a room full of kids who to be honest, either didn't care what you had to say or were too nervous about their own forced thirty seconds in the spotlight to listen.

I wasted so much of my life caring what other people thought of every little thing that I did. People that didn't give two shits about me or anything I chose to do with my day. I blew off any chance I had to be myself and stayed lost in the expectations of everyone else and I paid the price. I began to listen to my self doubts and reservations towards my abilities. I fought my ambitions and it left me unsatisfied and uninspired from the things I found the the most joy in.

It took a parade of people marching through my life for me to even have an idea of who I was. From the days of riding and late night debauchery, which in a large sense I'm glad stopped when it did, to the musty smell of a basement band with dreams a bit too big for their britches, there's been no shortage of characters in this play. From eating wood and pavement with my bike crashing down around me to winning a battle of the bands with so much as barely knowing three original songs. I gained and lost who I thought was the love of my life, and in some ways, I still do. I still sit back on some of those nights alone after work and wondered if I had tried harder, would it still be the same? Or was it simply not meant to be? What happened to all of this, I couldn't tell you. All I know is what I've lost there, I've gained in some of the greatest people I'll ever meet.

My friends, my clan, my brothers. Without them I don't know if I would have ever made it. There's rarely a time where I would rather be anywhere else. In a sense, I think the only real relationship I've ever had couldn't compete and in turn, eventually ran its course. I know we've had our rare fights and talked the occasional shit behind each others backs but the harsh truth is I would take a bullet, hell multiple bullets, for any of you. Even being one man down for the short time being, which in a large sense is probably what made me reflect so suddenly on myself. I couldn't be more proud of what he's doing and at the same time, sick with myself for not doing the same. Or at least something that I feel is of a greater significance. I live in the constant fear of disappointing or letting any of them down. I want to succeed and watch them succeed right with me. I don't want much out of life, but first I need to figure out what it is and I know you'll be with me every step of the way.